No drama discipline – Your brain on discipline6 min read

I have been skimming through the No-Drama discipline book and trying to understand how the kids brain react and how we can be better at parenting. Toddler is now One year, 5 months and we are still having lot of meltdown and I wasn’t able to do my best all the time but this book has been making a impact on how I should approach my kid. 😀 So why not share it and it might help few folks who are struggling like me!

If you haven’t read the first chapter take ways, give it a quick read over on Redefine discipline and below is the quick take aways on the Your brain on discipline part.

Author divides the brain into three C’s to make us easily understand the brain’s functionality.

First C #1: The Brain is changing

Start imaging the kids brain is like a house under construction – lower part is made up brainstem and limbic region which we call it as “Reptilian Part” of the brain and it’s motto is very simple as “Fire! Ready! Aim” and it often skips the “ready” and “aim” part. 😀

The upper part of the brain is still undeveloped and which is responsible for the complex thinking and making a sound decision. Mostly people refer to it as “Outer bark of the brain”. This part of the brain is what makes us to make a thinking, emotional, relational skills, empathy, personal insights, regulation of emotions, planning and making sound decisions etc. ❣️ and we better remember that this part is still undeveloped. Basically this is the major reason behind “Can’t vs Won’t” from the last chapter.

So, no matter how smart and responsible your child could be, you can’t expect her to handle everything by herself at the time and make a sound decision between good and bad. It is not event impossible for the adult to do all the time, right? Go back and play how many bad decision, you made in the last month? How many times you didn’t do what other expect out of you? TPJ – Right Temporal parietal junction – Gradual development part of the upstairs brain. 😀 – It helps us to understand what is happening in other’s minds (Mentalizing cirucit). It helps us to see the problem from their end and make a sound decision. As a parent, put yourself in the child’s view and start seeing things. Based on tiredness, hungry, overwhelmed, their reactions would change as well.

So it this an excuse for an bad behavior? No, certainly not. But as a parent, we got to set a clear boundaries and help them understand what’s acceptable. 🤔 (please, don’t see expectations too high on discipling, since it varies from child to child and age.)

So accept the fact that kid brain is still changing, developing, adapting to things 🧠

Second C #2: The Brain is changeable

Brain is not changing, it is changeable which means we can mold intentionally by experience.

Neuroplasticity – actual physical structure of the brain and it is changed based on what happens to us. Brain is like a plastic, it can be molded.

A child who is playing piano or doing meditation, their brains develop in a different way than others. It doesn’t mean everyone should do piano or meditation but there should be activity which they can perform mindfulness.

This opens us to vast ground of questions like how you interact with kid, how you communicate with kid? How do you help them reflect on their actions and behavior? love, trust, etc important people they interact with, what they see, hear, touch, feel, speak, what other speak in front of kids, etc etc etc. Each and everything is going to mold that small plastic (i.e 🧠)

Hebb’s axiom – Neurons that fire together wire together. When neurons fire simultaneously in response to an experience, those neurons become connected to each other, and form a network. When experience keeps happening, it deepens and strengthens the connections among these neurons.

Ex: A positive experience leads to pleasure and the opposite is true as well. Experiences lead to changes in the architecture of the brain. So movies the kids watch, what activities they do spend hours of time enjoying? Instead of playing violent video games, we might encourage kids to engage in activities that build the relationships and understanding of other people. BONDING.

Now we know that child’s brain is changeable, how do you want to respond to the misbehaviour? Since how you react is going to the wire their brains as well.

Final C #3: The Brain is complex

Brain is complex since it is multifaceted with different parts responsible for responsible for different tasks. When kids are upset, which part of the brain do you want to appeal either the upper part (receptive part) or the lower part (reactive part)?

We often discipline the kids with threats, like increase our voice, raising hands, etc and it will activate the reptalian part – its called Poking the lizard and the kid can’t switch between the receptive and reactive part quickly, since the reactive downstairs holds down the receptive part.(Complete defense mode when a threat is detected).

So start with not throwing threats on him and instead approach child with more empathy, talk kindly, discuss, etc and the receptive part will start kicking in which will calm the kid, control the emotions etc.

Setting limits

As a loving parent, we want our kids to be happy and we will say yes as much as possible to the kid when they want something. But you should have a courage to say no and set the limit.

But don’t keep on repeating no for everything the kid do like don’t touch that, don’t run, don’t hit, go slow, etc. Instead start saying Yes with a condition. Toddler want to play for some more time? Yes, we will play more time tomorrow.

Again, don’t say no with an angry face or voice.

Simply, start viewing the misbehavior of our kids as an opportunity to nurture them into better selves for tomorrow.

Previous takeways – Redefine discipline

Changes in me after reading this book

• Started being more receptive instead of being reactive.
• Less shouting from me.
• Whenever he misheave, how can I take this opportunity to educate my little toddler so that he can make some sound decisions on his own
• How can I approach the upper receptive part of the brain? What strategy or talking I can do. 😎

As in I read more, I will keep sharing.