No Drama Discipline – Redefine discipline7 min read

It has been sometime since I have shared something so personal on the blog and it is about parenting. Recently joined the parenting family and my toddler is just 1 year, 4 months old and there are lot of situations where I have shouted, given him a angry eye, don’t do this, don’t do that and all those tantrums happened.

One of the lessons I learnt from my time spent in the problem solving zone of development, whenever we are facing so much pressure, stress, we are not going where we are supposed to go, when work-life balance gets hectic, finding no time for family. I have one mantra which works most of the time for me.

Take a step back, relax, look at the problem now.

For managing my work life, I did the same and wanted to understanding how the child’s growth development work. I mean, we are also kids at one stage, how did we cross those stage without causing tantrums, how my mom / dad managed me? But whatever my mom / dad done, will it work for my kid now? My mom did the toughest job of managing the home and her kids. I got no fancy super tip from my mom, she literally said Those times are tough, but we got to get through it. It is part of life.

So finally I decided, lets go back and start understand how my little toddler brain works? So I picked up the No-Drama Discipline book and started reading slow and steady. I have already read the first chapter like more than 3 or 4 times. Below are my take away from the book and it gives good overview

• how our little toddler tend to think and how his little brain work?
• how his emotional hormones are linked to the brain?
• why he is behaving rude sometime?

Chapter 1: Redefine Discipline

• Be responsive. Don’t be reactive – This is the one of my top most take away from the book right away. To put it simple, whenever our kids mishaves or do something wrong, we are just being reactive which means shout immediately at the kids, asking him to play outside etc. As a new father, I learnt that I should try my best and be responsive to the kid and understand what happening with him.
  
• Discipline is all about teaching not the consequences or the punishment.
  
• The book defines the famous Why? What? How? model which will certainly helps for sure.
  
  Before you could be reactive to the kid, calm for a minute and try to follow the model.
  
  • Why my child act this way?
    • To put it simple, the kids don’t have an capacity to regulate their emotional states and control their impulses yet. (They are not rude if spoiling water, throwing things away etc)
  • What lesson do I want to teach in this moment?
    • Lesson is not misbehavior merits a consequences, but there are better ways of getting his attention and managing his anger rather than resorting to the violence.
  • How can I best teach this lesson?
    • Instead of scolding, time-out ⏰, try getting connected to the Kid and get this full attention to you and acknowledge his feelings and communicate accordingly.
      
• Can’t vs Won’t
  • Always remember, Kids, toddler are not working from a fully formed brains yet. Their brains are still in development stage and they simply don’t know how to communicate, how to get your parents attentions etc. So they might cry, shout, throw things etc. 😀
    
  • So, it is not like “They won’t, THEY CAN’T”. Simply THEY CANT, it hit me so hard.
    
  • As an adult with fully formed brains, “Are you being loving and patient Dad/Mom all the time?
    • Answer: yes most of the time. Ofcourse, sometimes, I’m not 😵(Then how come kids will when their brains are not yet fully functioninal)
      
  • Then how can you expect kid to follow the commond/obey rules, all the time?
    • Do you really want your kid to follow blindly obeying everyone their whole life? or Would you rather than develop their own individual personalitites like get along with others, observe limits, make good decisions, be self-disciplined, navigate difficult situations by thinking for themselves?
      
      
      
• Spanking and the Brain
  
  
  • Physical punishment is way beyond this book 😀 and imo, I don’t like to spank kids at all.
  
  
  • Avoid any discipline approaches that might inflict pain, creates fear or terror in the kids brain.(it is totally counterproductive)
  
  
  • Primary goals of discipline is to change behavior and building the brain and this spanking or hurting leads to side-steps an opportunity for the child to think about her own behavior and even feel some healthy guilt or remorse.
  
  
  • Child brain interprets the pain as a threat.(same goes for adults as well, right?). We are the caregivers and if we itself inflict the pain or source of the pain, where does the child go for an safety? It causes state of terror in the child. One part of brain could driving the child to escape the parent who caused the pain, another part could search for the safety. if parents (safety machine) caused the pain, child’s little brain has no solution. This leads to release of cortisol(stress hormone) and cortisol is toxic to brain and inhibits healthy growth. It can even lead to death of brain connections and even brain cells.
  
  (So think very hard whatever the situation is before you raise your hand against the little one’s)
  
  
  • One way that the child brain tend to avoid this pain inflicting technique is to start lying, stop collaborating and not being open to learn.
  
  
  • Child Brain got two parts. One part is Reactive Reptilian part – Ex. You see any reptile, if you try to threaten it, what do you think it will do? if it is crocodile, it will start attacking you !! The other one is the Receptive wise part – This is the higher thinking part of the brain, so parents does have the option of engaging the higher part.
  
  
  So do you want to trigger reactivity in your child’s primitive brain, or engage the thinking (receptive) part? When the reactive state is ON, we just missed an opportunity to develop the thinking part of the brain.

• Time-out’s? Is that a good disciplinary tool?
  
  • In modern era, mostly likely parents don’t want to spank their kids, instead they do timeout. She did that? Lets do No cartoon for a week. She did mishave in guest house? Lets do No outing for two weeks.
  
  
  • Instead of giving timeout, create a teaching opportunity to help kids learn to develop self-regulatory skills. What parents brain think about the timeout – After timeout, she is going to better in the future. What kids brain think about the timeout – I got the worst parents in the world
  
  
  • Isolating them means we missed a chance or not given them a opportunity to be problem solvers, make some wise choices. Bring the kids into receptive mode and start guiding them. Once they are in receptive mode, kids tend to do the right things and learn as well in the process.Often, kids misbehaviour is result of getting emotional, so they express they feeling through aggressive, disrespectful, throwing toys at you, being uncooperative. But these are the times, your kids needs your most comfort.

You don't want to send the message that you'll be in relationship with her when she's good or "happy" but you will withhold your love and affection when she's not? would you stay in that type of relationship?

• Give yourself a time-out whenever you need to calm yourself. Keeping ourselves in control is the key. Do time-in – sit with the kid, talking with him, comfort him and try to bond.
  
• Again, there is no one-size-fits-all. 😀 Means, if one things for one kids, it might not work all the kids

Changes in me after reading this book

• Started being more receptive instead of being reactive.
  
• Less shouting from me.
  
• Whenever kid does something which might trigger my anger, I ask myself Why? What? How? Model.
  
• Spend more time with Kid and bond with him.
  
• If I’m angry or foul mood, I would stay silent and calm myself, then bring myself back to receptive mode.

As in I read more, I will keep sharing.